Tuesday, 28 October 2014

My Story part 1

This is a very hard blog for me to write, but I know this will help many people who read this, because people do hide away from this problem or don't know how to help partners/friends/family members through it.

That is Depression.  There is so many different names for depression here is just a few:- Mild Depression, PND, Bipolar, SAD.

Myself suffers from PND which stands for Postnatal Depression, which men and women can suffer from, after a child has been born.

So here is my Story up to now of my highs and lows and how I have got through it.

In July 2007 on my Honeymoon in Paris Matty (aka husband/Daddy) told me I was pregnant, I was denying it and asking how he knew I was, it was my body if anyone would know it would be me, his reason behind it was because I was always tired and wanting to eat ALOT!   So I went down to the Chemist in Paris, didn't speak french and with hand signals asked for a pregnancy test, got back to the hotel and did the test and you got it he was right, I was pregnant.

Our Wedding Day

The night when we found out we were having a our second baby

So got back of our honeymoon told our family's, and the nine months went really quick, even though I thought it was going so slowly especially with Kacy being a baby herself, me having problems with my hips, Pelvis and back, to the point some times I couldn't move especially towards the end.  In the November of 2007 we brought our house and moved in yes I was 5/6 months gone and I was huge, then Kacy 2nd birthday came and went, Christmas came and went, My birthday came and went.

Then it was the count down towards my due date well then came and went, so was due to be induced but lucky she decided the night before she wanted to make an appearance.  I wouldn't bore you with my birth story but I will tell you I was right that she would be born before 3 o clock in the morning.

Kira just after she was born

 At that moment of me looking at her, I didn't know who she was, I known that I had just had her and she was mine but she didn't feel like mine.

For 10 weeks after that was extremely hard, Kira wouldn't settle, Me and Matty fought about her having a Dummy, She kept throwing up and we couldn't find a milk that she would settle on, I can't remember how long it took but we finally found Aptamil that worked a treat for her and the fact Matty came round to the Dummy idea.

A little over a week of me having her she ended up at my parents because I just couldn't cope with her throwing up on me, She had just thrown up on my last lot of clean clothes and I burst into tears and rang my Mum, begging for her to have her just for one night.  Matty didn't know what was going on and he didn't know how to make it better for me. He was then angry at me because I went straight to Mum, which then made me feel extremely guilty and upset.

The photo below I hate myself for thinking it, my Mum has asked me why I haven't got rid of it, but I can't and even if I did I can see her, I don't need the photo to remind me what I was thinking about at that very moment.   I also put these photos on facebook and put the title as "asleep at the same time as my big sister is hugging a juice bottle"

I still hate myself for thinking it. I remember word for word what I said and this is it:-

"your so tiny and I will look after you and keep you safe but I don't love you, I hate you, why are you here."

she was 6 weeks old here

After that moment I cried my eyes out, I couldn't understand why I would think that of my own flesh and blood, my baby girl, something that is suppose to be so precious to me and that I am so to love no matter what. 

With Kacy before she was born we had a really close bond, and I fell in love with her before she was even born, more when she was born.  With Kira we didn't have that bond before she was born and I didn't fall in love with her when she was born and I just couldn't understand why. 

The 10 weeks came and something just clicked in me and I loved her more then I could imagine.  Kira had changed as well she was such a calmer and happier baby 

This photo was taken in the August it took me 3 months after the above photo to put anything on facebook.

After that me and Kira's bond got closer and our love grew.  thought nothing of it, had our 3rd baby Summer in August 2011

Kacy was 4, Kira was 2 and Summer was not even 24 hours in the left photo and in the right photos she is a couple of days old.

Thank you for reading my first part of my story keep an eye out for the next part of my story coming in the next couple of days.


  1. So brave hun. Depression is horrible in all the ways up affects us. xx

  2. Thanks for posting, this will hopefully help others in the same position to realise that they aren't alone.
    I can't imagine what it must be like to suffer with PND and hope that I am lucky enough never to find out.

    Leanne - A Slice of My Life


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